A French woman and personal life coach's outlook on self-confidence, communication, and relationships. How to gain and manage them to get what and who you deserve.

Archive for February, 2011

10 good ways to upset your man

#1 Vacuum-cleaning the room when he’s watching TV
His thought:
“Gee! a stain never killed anybody ! She could do that tomorrow!”

Conclusion:
It is all about making him feel guilty. When he only thinks of resting, you feel a sudden urge to do the clean up. Hey ! He’s right: you can wait and take a rest with him.

#2 Constantly complaining when he is watching a football match
His thought:
“Can’t she shut up ? If she doesn’t like football, she could have organized a night out with her friends.”

Conclusion:
If you don’t like football, organize something with your friends or go to your room with a good book. He, too, is entitled to his fun time and personal passions, even though you may not share them.

#3 Asking him “darling, do you love me?” around midnight after a nice evening out
His thought:
“Gosh ! Why does she always ask that kind of question so late at night?”

Conclusion:
Why not ask and discuss it? Not anywhere, any time though. You’re spoiling his night, he will wonder what went wrong when all was so good, and find it unpleasant he has to reassure you when apparently nothing should make you doubt. If you want to learn more about his feelings for you, pick a better time.

#4 Systematically double-checking what he has done when he gives a hand
His thought:
“Her way looks the only right way, I wish she could loosen up once in a while.”

Conclusion:
If you seek to discourage him, that’s the way. You act like a mother, making him feel like an incompetent child. Don’t complain then that he never takes any initiative. He may do things differently. So what? At least, they’re done, aren’t they?

#5 Being too curious and inquisitive, asking tons of questions
His thought:
“Why for God’s sake does she want to know all about everything?”

Conclusion:
If you want to know everything, you eventually will and may not like it. So, don’t search his cell and pockets, respect his personal space and mind your own business, it can only improve your relationship.

#6 Giving him lessons and unwanted advice
His thought:
“I’m not with her to hear the same things my mother used to tell me.”

Conclusion:
If he asked nothing, there is no reason for you to tell him what to do and how. When you constantly treat a man this way, he soon fades and loses his self-confidence. Is that what you want?

#7 Acting clingy
His thought:
“Arghhhh ! If only I could have the house for myself alone, just one week-end, please!”

Conclusion:
A smothering women shows how affectively dependant she is. She gives too much, he will feel he will have to give back, unfortunately not spontaneously. He will soon feel trapped. Leave him alone, don’t harass him. Remember a couple is 1+1=3.

#8 Your mood swings
His thought:
“What did I say? What did I do wrong? She looked so happy this morning !???”

Conclusion:
Men can find mood swings typically feminine, thus charming. They show your vulnerability and how much you need him. Know your limits though. If you’re constantly aggressive, he will soon find it hard to bear. Better then warn him, get a bit of alone time in another room and come back when you feel better.

#9 Taking ages to get ready
His thought:
“We’ll be late or the latest ones to arrive (once again!!!).”

Conclusion:
So much of a woman! Men can understand and even smile at it. But too much is too much. If you need 2 hours to get ready, get organized and don’t wait for the last minute.

#10 Criticizing his mother
His thought:
“Why do you have all it against her? She does nothing to upset YOU!”

Conclusion:
He will remain his son and will forever love her. HE can criticize her, you can’t. Stay quiet. Sure, she’s not perfect. You’re not either, even if she sometimes over steps some of your limits.

Guys, anything you wish to add to the list? :)

Completely honest first date

A bit cynical, but… isn’t there a bit of truth in it ?

Your thoughts ?

10 red flags not to ignore if you seek a real relationship

Love is blind. Though a good policy could be not to ignore the following red flags if you want a real relationship. Unless you seek to end with a broken heart, having invested so much of yourself in a dead-end.
Yes, you’re a couple. Particularly you. Because as for him…

He has not left his wife yet: he says he loves you, he will talk to her as soon as possible. The issue is the time never seems right, some event always gets in the way. Married men who leave their wife for their mistress are one in a zillion. You can always hope he is that one. Although, when they do, they usually don’t think much about it. It doesn’t take ages for them to make that decision. If it does, better move on…

You’ve never been to his place : you’re not even sure where he lives. At any rate, you don’t know his exact address. Every time you meet up, it is outside, at a bar, a restaurant, a party, at the very best at friends’. Clear enough he’s not that enthusiastic about having you in his personal space.

You know nothing about his past: whatever the question and how innocent it may be, his answer remains vague, if he answers at all. You barely know where he comes from, about his family and friends, nothing about his exes… Either he argues he’d rather not talk about it in such a way you would feel rude to insist, or he would give no clear straight answer.

He is not curious about your friends and family: he’s never available when it comes to meet them. Actually he couldn’t care less. So less that your friends and family are beginning to wonder if he really exists.

He sets dates only when it suits him: and at the less convenient times for you. You are the one who adapts her schedule to his. Instead of thinking hard about all his good reasons, better wonder about your place in his life. The room he manages to make for you in his agenda is usually equal to the room you take in his heart.

He’s not that interested in you: he asks no question. Would you talk about any particular event happening in your life, be it at work or wherever else, he doesn’t really pay attention, often soon forgets about it. If you insist, he looks somewhat bored and answers something like “it’s your life”, which, by the way, should be clear enough, to say the least.

You have no clear idea of his schedule: if you learn about any of his activities (without you), it is only by chance. This is how you find out he had a boys’ night out last Wednesday, or he took his Friday off to go on a hike. Clear enough he’d rather have some time without you and you don’t need to know about it.

When he answers the phone: he always steps away from you. Not that there is any other woman in the picture (I bet you’ve checked his cell), he’d just rather nobody know he is in a relationship with you. By the way, he never mentions your name, he would rather say “I’m busy, I can’t talk to you now, I shall call you back later”.

You never go out together: none of what you would suggest ever appeals to him. Movies? Not too much… Concert? No, thank you, you would have to book seats in advance. Restaurant? Oh, for God’s sake, he goes often enough for business! Clearly, he’s not keen on being seen with you. He didn’t even take you to his best friend’s wedding!

He has already organised his holidays without you: next Summer, he will go camping with his buddies. You? Heck, do whatever you like, you’re a big girl, after all!
And you thought you could both go to that nice hotel on the beach for a fortnight? Well, it looks very much you’ll have to go with your best girlfriend or… another man!

Unsure what to say and do on a first date? Here is the solution

Going on a blind date tonight and scared you may find nothing interesting to say or not know what to do? Relax! Technology is there to help you turn the nightmare into a dream. ;)

Travel Conversacube from Lauren McCarthy on Vimeo.

Have we become so dependant on technology? Or so unable to properly communicate? What do you think?

4 types of men you’d better not meet

men gathering

The list could be endless, so I shall stick to the 4 more common and attractive for the time being.
If you meet and identify any of them, run away… Quick !

Here is a non-exhaustive list of those irresistible men you’d better never meet, even less date:

The hardened seducer : always alone, since he changes his girl like he changes his shirt: everyday. Usually tall, both charismatic and relaxed, he knows how to catch a woman. Like the skilled hunter he is, he charms his prey and let her come to him. Of course, once he had got what he wanted : you, he throws you away and move on to the next victim.

Why is he attractive?
Because he is handsome and sexy and he knows it. He is self-confident, knows the right words to make you melt. You can’t believe such a hotty can even be interested in you and crack! You are trapped.
Why is he dangerous?
He is a misogynist and a narcissist. In his eyes, all women are stupid, you included. More than a one night stand sounds like a commitment to him. If you try to keep him, he will only despise you more.

The tortured bad boy: your maternal instinct urges you to help this tortured soul heal its wounds. Unfortunately tortured soul often rhymes with drug, alcohol, and suicidal. Don’t overestimate your ability to color his dark glasses pink and run before you too slip into a depression.

Why is he attractive?
Often an artist of some kind, he knows how to make you dream of exotic adventures. He is a passionate who owns his very personal universe. You find him fascinating and spellbinding. That rebel with a tender heart can only make you melt. And bang!
Why is he dangerous?
If he’s a bad boy, there a reason for that. Difficult childhood, social problems, emotional instability are why he acts the way he does. If he’s bad for others, he is for you too.

The charming forever bachelor: unlike the seducer who charms every woman, he sticks to only one : you. Yet he keeps repeating he will end his life alone. Paradoxically, he can show thoughtfulness and consideration in public, turns into a selfish nasty misogynist in private though. To build a couple with such a man is “mission impossible”, since he’s convinced you belong neither to his present, nor to his future anyway.

Why is he attractive?
Because he knows how to charm you and does it every time it’s necessary, e.g. every time you put a distance or try to escape : sweet talk, candlelight dinners, etc… until you fall under his spell again. Once it’s done, he does all he can for you to leave him again.
Why is he dangerous?
His game exhausts you and eventually gets on your nerves. Plus to make you leave every time you come back, he will become more and more despising, unpleasant and even insulting to the point you will end completely lost and broken.

The go-getter: pretentious and vain, his sole purpose in life is to climb up the social scale at all cost and by any means. He will let nobody, not even you, go against his will.
His clothes are all from expensive labels. Brands and show off is how he evaluates everything, you included.

Why is he attractive?
Because his grit and ambition show a strong personality. You may feel protected. Furthermore social rise also means money. Beware though, the go-getter is often stingy. If you dream of luxury items, better be able to afford them yourself.
Why is he dangerous?
Because he’s the most selfish. His only interest is himself. He wants so much to succeed he spends his days and nights working or at least pretending he does. Actually, he often pretends more than he does. He’s very skilled at expanding his social network though, the one which can help him get even higher on the scale. If you’ve got different values, better forget him. Good thing, that’s exactly the idea. :D

Why can those “wrong” men subjugate women so easily? Simply because women want it.
They can usually tell from the beginning something is not quite right with those men, they’d rather ignore patent red flags though. Not always easy to turn a wrong man down when he’s handsome and charming!
On top, since it is always more comfortable and easier to get back to what one already knows, they seldom fail to make the same mistake twice.

Those men usually perfectly master the art of seduction, sweet talk and romance. And, even though they would even sometimes afford to warn them, most women wouldn’t listen. They’d rather believe he can change and, with their help, he will eventually reveal his true nature : everything but what they know he actually is, of course!

Can you think of any other types of men you’d better not meet? And why?

Answer a few questions and find out what your strengths are

Develop insights into yourself and the world around you through these scientifically tested questionnaires, surveys, and scales.
Find out where you stand in various areas of life, what you could work on to improve your level of happiness and the personal strengths you can rely on on that purpose.

I particularly recommend the “VIA survey of character strengths”. It is a bit long, yet to know which of your strengths you can rely on to go further in life or overcome hardships is well-worth the time, in my opinion.

http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/tests/SameAnswers_t.aspx?id=310

I hope you will enjoy and it will prove useful to you. Which one did you find the most profitable to you ?

He doesn’t call after a date: what does it mean and what to do?

wating for call

Nothing more convincing, in my opinion, than an honest, since anonymous, answer from the concerned party. So I posted a little survey on the topic a few days ago.
Please check:
https://relationshiptranslator.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/to-all-the-men-out-there/
to see the results.
I guess they speak loud enough, don’t they ?

When men don’t call back after a date, 62.5% of the time, it is simply because they’re not into you. Period.
You may think the date went great, you may like him very much and entertain the romantic thought he reciprocates, the truth is, this time, he doesn’t.

It doesn’t mean he didn’t enjoy that time with you at all, just not enough to feel like going further.
Many possible reasons to that, among the most common, in no particular order :
– his fear of involvement
– he was just looking for a good time and a pleasant evening
– he just wanted to test his power of seduction
– you’re not his type
– he was only physically attracted to you
– you may have talked a bit too much about your ex and he felt he already had a rival in the place
– he wants to keep it casual and fears you may take it too seriously

At any rate, he’s not ready for a relationship and particularly not a relationship with you.

Of course, as women, since we like to communicate, we would appreciate to clearly know where we stand. Unfortunately, very few men function this way. They seldom bother with women they’re not interested in. Whilst a few would be polite enough to let you know they’d rather stop here or what they exactly seek, the majority wouldn’t. Yes, it is rude, better face that reality though.

No, he didn’t get hit by a truck. The chances he’s at the hospital, his old mother has just passed away or his cell phone has broken down just now are close to nought.

Yet remain the 12.5% who don’t call back for fear of rejection. About one out of 10, not the most common. So, please, don’t jump to the conclusion it is often the case.
Maybe you weren’t clear enough, didn’t show your interest enough and didn’t let the green light flash enough ? At any rate, he’s not quite sure of what you feel. He’s hesitating and will not call right away. He doesn’t want you to believe he’s into you (although he may be). Because while you’re already mentally planning the next dream date, he is there wondering what to do not to look hooked or too easy.

So what to do if he doesn’t call ?

Here is an excerpt from one of the men’s comment on my poll:
“if your date doesn’t call you back in two or more days, that means something went wrong (even if you thought that was an amazing one). So just an idea for all the ladies, it would be to set up a “deadline”. Let say “three days max”. If your date hasn’t called you back in that period of time, it means he’s not interested in you at all (whatever the reason he could/would/should think, feel or argue).”

It sounds honest and clear enough, doesn’t it ?

Don’t sit next to your telephone, biting your nails. Live your life and don’t invest too much of yourself too soon.
As suggested in the comment, set a dead line and stick to it. If he hasn’t called you within 2 or 3 days, better forget about him. Because, even though he may not want to look too enthusiastic for strategic reasons, if he really likes you, he won’t let a month go by before he calls you back. He is usually aware of how risky it can be, particularly if he got smitten.

If it can help you move on and only if you feel it is truly necessary to your well-being, try to call him, within a week or so, under any excuse.
Although to call a man who didn’t call you back is seldom a good idea and may not teach you anything you didn’t already know, you’ll have made things clear enough and will have removed all doubt he is not worth it and not the one for you for any of the above mentioned reasons.

Then, move on ! Plenty of fish in the sea and if this one was not attracted to you or not right for you, many others will be. :)