A French woman and personal life coach's outlook on self-confidence, communication, and relationships. How to gain and manage them to get what and who you deserve.

Archive for the ‘Self-confidence’ Category

If I were a man…

I could never be pregnant.
I could wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
I could even wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics would tell me the truth.
The world would be my urinal.
I wouldn’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
SAME WORK, MORE PAY.
Wrinkles would add character.
Chocolate would be yet another snack.
Men would never stare at my chest when I’m talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch would be practically expected.
New shoes wouldn’t cut, blister, or mangle my feet.
Phone conversations would be over in 30 seconds flat.
I would know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation would require only one suitcase.
I could open all my own jars.
My underwear would be $8.95 for a three-pack.
I would almost never have strap problems in public.
I would be unable to see wrinkles in my clothes.
Three pairs of shoes would be more than enough.
I could play with toys all my life.
I could wear shorts no matter how my legs look.
I could “do” my nails with a pocket knife.
My belly could hide my big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes ; one color for all seasons.
I would only have to shave my face and neck.
And I would even have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
I would get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness…

And probably much more…
What else? :)

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Answer a few questions and find out what your strengths are

Develop insights into yourself and the world around you through these scientifically tested questionnaires, surveys, and scales.
Find out where you stand in various areas of life, what you could work on to improve your level of happiness and the personal strengths you can rely on on that purpose.

I particularly recommend the “VIA survey of character strengths”. It is a bit long, yet to know which of your strengths you can rely on to go further in life or overcome hardships is well-worth the time, in my opinion.

http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/tests/SameAnswers_t.aspx?id=310

I hope you will enjoy and it will prove useful to you. Which one did you find the most profitable to you ?

Now, let’s put things in perspective…

Facts are facts. What gives them a color is the way you envision, thus handle them.

Your thoughts and beliefs seldom match the reality. When they are negative, they prevents you from enjoying the present. Even worse, when you believe today is worse than yesterday, then you’re more prone to believe tomorrow will be worse than today.

So, here is a link to help you put things in perspective :

http://www.cracked.com/article_18983_5-complaints-about-modern-life-that-are-statistically-b.s..html

When you expect the worse to happen, you demotivate yourself, thinking and believing you will not succeed because the situation will systematically go against you. Therefore, it is likely you will fail.
Not because it will actually be against you, but because you won’t be able to see the opportunity in the mist, even less to catch it. You will give up even before you begin.

Whereas when you truly believe things are improving, or don’t doubt they will, then your attitude changes. You become more confident and self-confident, thus more energetic, motivated and active. You take moves and become convincing and enthusiastic. It is infectious, people around you start to follow and support you. And, before you realize it, you’ve made it. :)

You may not have direct power over the facts, you have direct power over yourself though. Your mindset, beliefs and thoughts influences the outcome of any situation.
Pasteur said : “Fortune favors the prepared mind.” ;)

Why spoil your life expecting the worse when, actually and objectively, 90% of the time, the worse doesn’t happen? Looking back, you then realize you’ve wasted time and energy worrying about something which has not been, instead of focusing on what you actually could do to prepare a brighter future by working on the present.

It is true in every areas of life. Go to a date thinking this man can’t possibly like a girl like you, although he may, you will dismiss him. Go to a job interview sure in advance they won’t hire you, although the employer appreciates your résumé, your attitude will convince him you’re just not right for the job. Etc… This is called “self-sabotage”.

So, when you feel low and unmotivated, OBJECTIVELY consider FACTS and PUT them IN PERSPECTIVE. It will help you relativize.
This advice is from a single mother who once found herself alone, jobless, homeless out of the hospital after heavy surgery and gained it all back because she simply could do that. :)

The situation is never as dramatic as you may think and there is hope as long as you can stay in the right mindset to spot the opportunities, take chances and make the best of them. :)

Why to be stunningly hot or ugly can be your best bet

Yet another proof, in my opinion, the better you have come to terms with yourself and can shamelessly flaunt it, the better outcome you will get. Your flaws are actually your assets. They make you stand out. The most successful women are those who stand out. You love them or you hate them, they leave nobody indifferent though. They won’t be ignored, therefore will get the most valuable messages and contacts from really interested men than the “just cute” ones.

The article below demonstrates, from objective data, that :
– the more men as groups disagree about a women’s look, the more they end up liking her.
– guys tend to ignore girls who are merely cute.
– and, in fact, having some men think she’s ugly actually works in woman’s favor.

Curious to know why and to catch a glimpse of how the man’s brain works sometimes? Read below… ;)

What the public criticizes in you, cultivate. It is you.” (Jean Cocteau)

“http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-mathematics-of-beauty/”

Your thoughts ? :)

I chose not to be a victim

Just stumbled on that article about traumas :

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/what-is-your-belief-system-about-trauma.html

Objectively, I’ve experienced more traumas than the average person living in a free occidental democracy : multiple assaults and rapes, sequestration, bombings…
Yet I NEVER felt I was a victim. I’m not because I’m alive and never gave my aggressors the satisfaction to get what they actually sought.
None of those and none of them have taken their toll on me.

Feeling so led me to not generalize anything and to not believe because it happened once, it would happen again, with any other man or every time I would be under similar circumstances. Every story is a new story, with a new person. Every new story is a brand new experience.

I never thought “why me” and even less “I somehow deserved it”.
Facts are facts and neutral. As the article said, life is neither fair nor unfair. WE perceive it as such because we’ve been conditioned to believe if we are “good”, we will be rewarded, but if we are “bad”, we will be punished.
Nothing is more untrue, it doesn’t work this way. Look around you, you will see plenty of evidences of that.
As soon as you’ve integrated this idea, you’re saved. You understand those events are not related to you or your behavior, but totally random.

Your choice then to decide wether you will let them spoil the rest of your life and prevent you from living and enjoying it to the fullest or wether you will take them for what they are : random facts, experiences among others making you more knowledgeable, more skilled and capable to handle even more even better.

I know what my choice is. What is yours?

Seek to brighten up your world? REFORMULATE

reformulate !

“Your thoughts create your reality”, “True beauty comes from within”, “You are what you think”… Who has never read or heard those assertions ?

In other words, if you want to change your current life, you must change who you are inside first. Easier said than done. Where to begin with ?

The good news is you can change from the outside and get the same result. :)

Ever noticed how a new haircut, a new dress, good news, being in love can improve your mood and outlook on life? All of a sudden, the world looks bright, you feel good. Because you feel good, you smile, hold your head up and feel like hugging everybody. Consequently, you look more self-confident, people are attracted to you and you would answer positively.

Do you go to the hair stylist’s everyday ? Do you buy new dresses every day ? Do you hear only good news all the time ? Are you in love and floating on a pink cloud 24/7 ? Here again easier said than done. :)

But there is something you can do 24/7, 365 days /year, which is always available, costs nothing and proves very effective: REFORMULATE.

Of course, you know the classical story of the half-full, half-empty cup. The cup itself is just a cup. It is the way you see it which gives it its meaning.
You can always see anything as positive or negative. Both are equally true, they describe the same thing. A difference in your outlook can drastically change the outcome though.

One effective way to see the cup half-full and the brighter and more positive side of things is to watch your words.
Ban “not” from your vocabulary. Use positive, affirmative expressions. Any negative sentence has a positive equivalent.

Try it, it’s easy. When something upsets you or puts you down, take a sheet of paper and write your thoughts down.
Then reread your text and reformulate it using only positive assertions.

“I can’t do that” becomes “I will do that”
“I’m stuck in the traffic jams again” becomes “Wonderful ! I’m offered an opportunity to finish this book now and know who the murderer is !”
“Things like this happen to me only, I can’t believe how unlucky I am !” becomes “Yet another experience. Great, I’ve learned something today. Next time, I shall know how to handle it”

The list is endless, you get the idea though.
Don’t let your thoughts wander in the future, focus on the now and on the reformulation. Progressively, as you write, your stress will fade away, you’ll feel more optimistic and confident, thus more able to turn what comes next into something positive for you.
Only because reformulation will have helped you focus on the half-full cup. This will impact your mood, thus your behaviour and even your look. It will impact the way people see and perceive you and your response to upcoming events. All in a positive way, of course. :)

You may have to think a bit at first. But, sooner than you believe, it will become a second nature, you will realize the switch in your thoughts has become automatic.

Your world will become a fairy tale overnight but your attitude will change, and your attitude impacts others’. A positive attitude has a positive impact and attracts positive people. It is a virtuous circle. :)

The method may sound so simple it is silly. I’ve used it with many clients though. Sceptical at first, since they were coming from a place of negativity, they eventually couldn’t believe how quickly that little “trick” could effectively work.

Just try it and let me know what happened. ;)

To look your best, focus on your best!

Too often complexes women (and men!) carry about their physical appearance shatter their self-confidence. How sad, when it could so easily be otherwise!
We all have something about it we don’t like or would like different. Nobody’s perfect, right ?
I could make a whole lecture on self-acceptance, etc… to solve that issue. All good pieces of advice.
But there is a truth that works better and every time : what you focus on about yourself, others notice. What you forget about, they overlook. So basically simple! :)

I’ve experienced it myself. A man assaulted me and hit me with a brick : broken nose, 4 scars right in the middle of my face. I’ve never met one single man it would bother. They don’t even notice them. Not because you can’t see them. Because I, myself, forget about them. Many didn’t realize for YEARS they were there, would you believe !

Most of the time we wrongly assume that others see us with our eyes. Of course, it is not true. They are not us and come from another place. They don’t think with our mind, but theirs, their tastes, priorities and criteria are different.

I shall write another article about projections, because projections are a key issue.
Once you will have understood how they work and why they are so effective, you will see how easily you can improve your life, relationships and communication in many ways.

But for now, a few simple tips :
– Remember you are not a matter of only one or two physical features, you’re much more than that. What may look a big thing to you often appears as a detail to others.
– Never mention what you consider a flaw of yours when you seek to charm someone. Why deliberately bring his (her) attention to anything you would like him (her) to forget about unless you seek to self-sabotage.
– Focus on what you like instead. Yes, there is something in your appearance which you like. :) Think again… Your smile? Your eyes? Your hair? Your hands? Your feet? :D OK. So, from now on, think: “I am my smile”, “I am my eyes”, etc…. This is magic. Because it will change your own perception of yourself, thus the others’ perception of you.
– Of course, you’re not a matter of that only either. But if you catch somebody’s attention, better it be on what you consider the best part of you because it is what they will remember. ;)

When you focus on just one or two things in your anatomy which bother you, you implicitly send out the message that this is what you are. Deep inside, you know this is not true, don’t you? So, why not focus on what you like instead and send out the message you’re the best part of yourself? :)

It may require a bit of conscious thinking before it becomes a reflex and a second nature. It will happen sooner than you may believe though. Particularly when you can see the outcome of this simple switch in your thinking and perception.

You will seldom get a second chance to make a first good impression, so why not try this right away ? :)