A French woman and personal life coach's outlook on self-confidence, communication, and relationships. How to gain and manage them to get what and who you deserve.

men gathering

The list could be endless, so I shall stick to the 4 more common and attractive for the time being.
If you meet and identify any of them, run away… Quick !

Here is a non-exhaustive list of those irresistible men you’d better never meet, even less date:

The hardened seducer : always alone, since he changes his girl like he changes his shirt: everyday. Usually tall, both charismatic and relaxed, he knows how to catch a woman. Like the skilled hunter he is, he charms his prey and let her come to him. Of course, once he had got what he wanted : you, he throws you away and move on to the next victim.

Why is he attractive?
Because he is handsome and sexy and he knows it. He is self-confident, knows the right words to make you melt. You can’t believe such a hotty can even be interested in you and crack! You are trapped.
Why is he dangerous?
He is a misogynist and a narcissist. In his eyes, all women are stupid, you included. More than a one night stand sounds like a commitment to him. If you try to keep him, he will only despise you more.

The tortured bad boy: your maternal instinct urges you to help this tortured soul heal its wounds. Unfortunately tortured soul often rhymes with drug, alcohol, and suicidal. Don’t overestimate your ability to color his dark glasses pink and run before you too slip into a depression.

Why is he attractive?
Often an artist of some kind, he knows how to make you dream of exotic adventures. He is a passionate who owns his very personal universe. You find him fascinating and spellbinding. That rebel with a tender heart can only make you melt. And bang!
Why is he dangerous?
If he’s a bad boy, there a reason for that. Difficult childhood, social problems, emotional instability are why he acts the way he does. If he’s bad for others, he is for you too.

The charming forever bachelor: unlike the seducer who charms every woman, he sticks to only one : you. Yet he keeps repeating he will end his life alone. Paradoxically, he can show thoughtfulness and consideration in public, turns into a selfish nasty misogynist in private though. To build a couple with such a man is “mission impossible”, since he’s convinced you belong neither to his present, nor to his future anyway.

Why is he attractive?
Because he knows how to charm you and does it every time it’s necessary, e.g. every time you put a distance or try to escape : sweet talk, candlelight dinners, etc… until you fall under his spell again. Once it’s done, he does all he can for you to leave him again.
Why is he dangerous?
His game exhausts you and eventually gets on your nerves. Plus to make you leave every time you come back, he will become more and more despising, unpleasant and even insulting to the point you will end completely lost and broken.

The go-getter: pretentious and vain, his sole purpose in life is to climb up the social scale at all cost and by any means. He will let nobody, not even you, go against his will.
His clothes are all from expensive labels. Brands and show off is how he evaluates everything, you included.

Why is he attractive?
Because his grit and ambition show a strong personality. You may feel protected. Furthermore social rise also means money. Beware though, the go-getter is often stingy. If you dream of luxury items, better be able to afford them yourself.
Why is he dangerous?
Because he’s the most selfish. His only interest is himself. He wants so much to succeed he spends his days and nights working or at least pretending he does. Actually, he often pretends more than he does. He’s very skilled at expanding his social network though, the one which can help him get even higher on the scale. If you’ve got different values, better forget him. Good thing, that’s exactly the idea. :D

Why can those “wrong” men subjugate women so easily? Simply because women want it.
They can usually tell from the beginning something is not quite right with those men, they’d rather ignore patent red flags though. Not always easy to turn a wrong man down when he’s handsome and charming!
On top, since it is always more comfortable and easier to get back to what one already knows, they seldom fail to make the same mistake twice.

Those men usually perfectly master the art of seduction, sweet talk and romance. And, even though they would even sometimes afford to warn them, most women wouldn’t listen. They’d rather believe he can change and, with their help, he will eventually reveal his true nature : everything but what they know he actually is, of course!

Can you think of any other types of men you’d better not meet? And why?

Develop insights into yourself and the world around you through these scientifically tested questionnaires, surveys, and scales.
Find out where you stand in various areas of life, what you could work on to improve your level of happiness and the personal strengths you can rely on on that purpose.

I particularly recommend the “VIA survey of character strengths”. It is a bit long, yet to know which of your strengths you can rely on to go further in life or overcome hardships is well-worth the time, in my opinion.

http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/tests/SameAnswers_t.aspx?id=310

I hope you will enjoy and it will prove useful to you. Which one did you find the most profitable to you ?

wating for call

Nothing more convincing, in my opinion, than an honest, since anonymous, answer from the concerned party. So I posted a little survey on the topic a few days ago.
Please check:
https://relationshiptranslator.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/to-all-the-men-out-there/
to see the results.
I guess they speak loud enough, don’t they ?

When men don’t call back after a date, 62.5% of the time, it is simply because they’re not into you. Period.
You may think the date went great, you may like him very much and entertain the romantic thought he reciprocates, the truth is, this time, he doesn’t.

It doesn’t mean he didn’t enjoy that time with you at all, just not enough to feel like going further.
Many possible reasons to that, among the most common, in no particular order :
– his fear of involvement
– he was just looking for a good time and a pleasant evening
– he just wanted to test his power of seduction
– you’re not his type
– he was only physically attracted to you
– you may have talked a bit too much about your ex and he felt he already had a rival in the place
– he wants to keep it casual and fears you may take it too seriously

At any rate, he’s not ready for a relationship and particularly not a relationship with you.

Of course, as women, since we like to communicate, we would appreciate to clearly know where we stand. Unfortunately, very few men function this way. They seldom bother with women they’re not interested in. Whilst a few would be polite enough to let you know they’d rather stop here or what they exactly seek, the majority wouldn’t. Yes, it is rude, better face that reality though.

No, he didn’t get hit by a truck. The chances he’s at the hospital, his old mother has just passed away or his cell phone has broken down just now are close to nought.

Yet remain the 12.5% who don’t call back for fear of rejection. About one out of 10, not the most common. So, please, don’t jump to the conclusion it is often the case.
Maybe you weren’t clear enough, didn’t show your interest enough and didn’t let the green light flash enough ? At any rate, he’s not quite sure of what you feel. He’s hesitating and will not call right away. He doesn’t want you to believe he’s into you (although he may be). Because while you’re already mentally planning the next dream date, he is there wondering what to do not to look hooked or too easy.

So what to do if he doesn’t call ?

Here is an excerpt from one of the men’s comment on my poll:
“if your date doesn’t call you back in two or more days, that means something went wrong (even if you thought that was an amazing one). So just an idea for all the ladies, it would be to set up a “deadline”. Let say “three days max”. If your date hasn’t called you back in that period of time, it means he’s not interested in you at all (whatever the reason he could/would/should think, feel or argue).”

It sounds honest and clear enough, doesn’t it ?

Don’t sit next to your telephone, biting your nails. Live your life and don’t invest too much of yourself too soon.
As suggested in the comment, set a dead line and stick to it. If he hasn’t called you within 2 or 3 days, better forget about him. Because, even though he may not want to look too enthusiastic for strategic reasons, if he really likes you, he won’t let a month go by before he calls you back. He is usually aware of how risky it can be, particularly if he got smitten.

If it can help you move on and only if you feel it is truly necessary to your well-being, try to call him, within a week or so, under any excuse.
Although to call a man who didn’t call you back is seldom a good idea and may not teach you anything you didn’t already know, you’ll have made things clear enough and will have removed all doubt he is not worth it and not the one for you for any of the above mentioned reasons.

Then, move on ! Plenty of fish in the sea and if this one was not attracted to you or not right for you, many others will be. :)

You can give up to 3 answers. ;)

woman/man

It looks times are changing… According to this survey, most women now cherish their independence and “personal space” more than men, when more men than women show a desire for commitment and connection and a neediness for a relationship.
Yet past 35 years old, the attraction for freedom widely outpasses the desire to marry and it increases with age.

“Men and women are looking for similar assets and are not judging a potential partner on the basis of gender-related traits — that a woman is looking for a paycheck object or a man is looking for a sex object,” she says. “They’re both looking for the whole package, more so than in the past.” (Kathleen Gerson, sociology professor at New York University)

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/sex-relationships/dating/story/2011/02/Men-women-flip-the-script-in-gender-expectation/43219110/1″

How do you feel about this ? Does it reflect your reality ? Can you relate to this ?

Facts are facts. What gives them a color is the way you envision, thus handle them.

Your thoughts and beliefs seldom match the reality. When they are negative, they prevents you from enjoying the present. Even worse, when you believe today is worse than yesterday, then you’re more prone to believe tomorrow will be worse than today.

So, here is a link to help you put things in perspective :

http://www.cracked.com/article_18983_5-complaints-about-modern-life-that-are-statistically-b.s..html

When you expect the worse to happen, you demotivate yourself, thinking and believing you will not succeed because the situation will systematically go against you. Therefore, it is likely you will fail.
Not because it will actually be against you, but because you won’t be able to see the opportunity in the mist, even less to catch it. You will give up even before you begin.

Whereas when you truly believe things are improving, or don’t doubt they will, then your attitude changes. You become more confident and self-confident, thus more energetic, motivated and active. You take moves and become convincing and enthusiastic. It is infectious, people around you start to follow and support you. And, before you realize it, you’ve made it. :)

You may not have direct power over the facts, you have direct power over yourself though. Your mindset, beliefs and thoughts influences the outcome of any situation.
Pasteur said : “Fortune favors the prepared mind.” ;)

Why spoil your life expecting the worse when, actually and objectively, 90% of the time, the worse doesn’t happen? Looking back, you then realize you’ve wasted time and energy worrying about something which has not been, instead of focusing on what you actually could do to prepare a brighter future by working on the present.

It is true in every areas of life. Go to a date thinking this man can’t possibly like a girl like you, although he may, you will dismiss him. Go to a job interview sure in advance they won’t hire you, although the employer appreciates your résumé, your attitude will convince him you’re just not right for the job. Etc… This is called “self-sabotage”.

So, when you feel low and unmotivated, OBJECTIVELY consider FACTS and PUT them IN PERSPECTIVE. It will help you relativize.
This advice is from a single mother who once found herself alone, jobless, homeless out of the hospital after heavy surgery and gained it all back because she simply could do that. :)

The situation is never as dramatic as you may think and there is hope as long as you can stay in the right mindset to spot the opportunities, take chances and make the best of them. :)

Many men have a hard time coping with women’s stories of emotional and physical abuse, even though the woman herself may have quite overcome them. Although overcome, those are things your partner should know about, shouldn’t he?
Alas, many can’t cope with that. They would either try to minimize it, rationalize it, or simply refuse to hear at all.
Why is that? I’ve asked dozens of them the question. I could never get a 100% satisfying clear answer.
Till a few days ago…

“Dot, that’s a very strong question. It really delves deep into what we all want in our ideal relationship: to be vulnerable to the degree of almost feeling naked emotionally, and just be accepted, loved, and maybe told that tomorrow will always be better than today because it has to be; all without feeling judged or shut out. It’s a tough thing to ask of many guys, as you’ve noticed, because most are not equipped emotionally to deal with something that sensitive. I agree with your later analysis about men being fixers. It is traditionally the role of a man to put a bandage on your physical wounds, but your emotional ones? That’s tricky. I don’t believe many men understand how just listening to a woman’s story and hugging her while telling her he loves her can truly help. It may not be a bandage for that emotional wound, and surely won’t fix anything, but it’s empowering for the soul. I think most men who rationalize, minimize, or plainly ignore the issue just don’t want to admit that there is no tool in their tool belt that has equipped them for tackling it. I’d liken it to that half-built project car in their garage that just never seems to get done. They’ve just hit a point where they just don’t know what to do and asking for help or direction seems more painful than just ignoring it.

So, what to do with them? There’s not much you can. Most of these guys are the same type who are unwilling to go to counseling regardless how dire the situation. While some may step up and decide they’d like to learn how to communicate emotionally to better support their partner, it’s asking a lot of someone when you’re entering the relationship, especially since you’re not going to reveal such things until you get to a more meaningful point in a relationship. You need to seek out men who can communicate emotionally and are open to working on communication in general. Realistically, this sounds like it should be at the top of every woman’s wish list, but frankly a great deal of women confuse men who are physically and mentally “tough” as being equally strong with their emotions, or just don’t delve deep enough into the man they’re dating before taking him home only to realize later that, uh oh, he’s like a deer in the headlights when it comes to deeper emotions.”

Mind you, Dave is only 25. According to me, he has already understood more than any older man I’ve met or, at the very least, could show more honesty, clarity and self-awareness.

Just being able to admit “I don’t know what to do”, stay there nonetheless, can be a bandage in itself and immensely help a woman, me think. And, indeed, it requires lots of integrity and real strength for a man to do that.

Thanks again, Dave. It felt really good to read what you wrote, that’s why I wanted to share. I hope your answer will help others as it has me. :)

Any thoughts ?