A French woman and personal life coach's outlook on self-confidence, communication, and relationships. How to gain and manage them to get what and who you deserve.

Posts tagged ‘dating’

Completely honest first date

A bit cynical, but… isn’t there a bit of truth in it ?

Your thoughts ?

Unsure what to say and do on a first date? Here is the solution

Going on a blind date tonight and scared you may find nothing interesting to say or not know what to do? Relax! Technology is there to help you turn the nightmare into a dream. ;)

Travel Conversacube from Lauren McCarthy on Vimeo.

Have we become so dependant on technology? Or so unable to properly communicate? What do you think?

4 types of men you’d better not meet

men gathering

The list could be endless, so I shall stick to the 4 more common and attractive for the time being.
If you meet and identify any of them, run away… Quick !

Here is a non-exhaustive list of those irresistible men you’d better never meet, even less date:

The hardened seducer : always alone, since he changes his girl like he changes his shirt: everyday. Usually tall, both charismatic and relaxed, he knows how to catch a woman. Like the skilled hunter he is, he charms his prey and let her come to him. Of course, once he had got what he wanted : you, he throws you away and move on to the next victim.

Why is he attractive?
Because he is handsome and sexy and he knows it. He is self-confident, knows the right words to make you melt. You can’t believe such a hotty can even be interested in you and crack! You are trapped.
Why is he dangerous?
He is a misogynist and a narcissist. In his eyes, all women are stupid, you included. More than a one night stand sounds like a commitment to him. If you try to keep him, he will only despise you more.

The tortured bad boy: your maternal instinct urges you to help this tortured soul heal its wounds. Unfortunately tortured soul often rhymes with drug, alcohol, and suicidal. Don’t overestimate your ability to color his dark glasses pink and run before you too slip into a depression.

Why is he attractive?
Often an artist of some kind, he knows how to make you dream of exotic adventures. He is a passionate who owns his very personal universe. You find him fascinating and spellbinding. That rebel with a tender heart can only make you melt. And bang!
Why is he dangerous?
If he’s a bad boy, there a reason for that. Difficult childhood, social problems, emotional instability are why he acts the way he does. If he’s bad for others, he is for you too.

The charming forever bachelor: unlike the seducer who charms every woman, he sticks to only one : you. Yet he keeps repeating he will end his life alone. Paradoxically, he can show thoughtfulness and consideration in public, turns into a selfish nasty misogynist in private though. To build a couple with such a man is “mission impossible”, since he’s convinced you belong neither to his present, nor to his future anyway.

Why is he attractive?
Because he knows how to charm you and does it every time it’s necessary, e.g. every time you put a distance or try to escape : sweet talk, candlelight dinners, etc… until you fall under his spell again. Once it’s done, he does all he can for you to leave him again.
Why is he dangerous?
His game exhausts you and eventually gets on your nerves. Plus to make you leave every time you come back, he will become more and more despising, unpleasant and even insulting to the point you will end completely lost and broken.

The go-getter: pretentious and vain, his sole purpose in life is to climb up the social scale at all cost and by any means. He will let nobody, not even you, go against his will.
His clothes are all from expensive labels. Brands and show off is how he evaluates everything, you included.

Why is he attractive?
Because his grit and ambition show a strong personality. You may feel protected. Furthermore social rise also means money. Beware though, the go-getter is often stingy. If you dream of luxury items, better be able to afford them yourself.
Why is he dangerous?
Because he’s the most selfish. His only interest is himself. He wants so much to succeed he spends his days and nights working or at least pretending he does. Actually, he often pretends more than he does. He’s very skilled at expanding his social network though, the one which can help him get even higher on the scale. If you’ve got different values, better forget him. Good thing, that’s exactly the idea. :D

Why can those “wrong” men subjugate women so easily? Simply because women want it.
They can usually tell from the beginning something is not quite right with those men, they’d rather ignore patent red flags though. Not always easy to turn a wrong man down when he’s handsome and charming!
On top, since it is always more comfortable and easier to get back to what one already knows, they seldom fail to make the same mistake twice.

Those men usually perfectly master the art of seduction, sweet talk and romance. And, even though they would even sometimes afford to warn them, most women wouldn’t listen. They’d rather believe he can change and, with their help, he will eventually reveal his true nature : everything but what they know he actually is, of course!

Can you think of any other types of men you’d better not meet? And why?

He doesn’t call after a date: what does it mean and what to do?

wating for call

Nothing more convincing, in my opinion, than an honest, since anonymous, answer from the concerned party. So I posted a little survey on the topic a few days ago.
Please check:
https://relationshiptranslator.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/to-all-the-men-out-there/
to see the results.
I guess they speak loud enough, don’t they ?

When men don’t call back after a date, 62.5% of the time, it is simply because they’re not into you. Period.
You may think the date went great, you may like him very much and entertain the romantic thought he reciprocates, the truth is, this time, he doesn’t.

It doesn’t mean he didn’t enjoy that time with you at all, just not enough to feel like going further.
Many possible reasons to that, among the most common, in no particular order :
– his fear of involvement
– he was just looking for a good time and a pleasant evening
– he just wanted to test his power of seduction
– you’re not his type
– he was only physically attracted to you
– you may have talked a bit too much about your ex and he felt he already had a rival in the place
– he wants to keep it casual and fears you may take it too seriously

At any rate, he’s not ready for a relationship and particularly not a relationship with you.

Of course, as women, since we like to communicate, we would appreciate to clearly know where we stand. Unfortunately, very few men function this way. They seldom bother with women they’re not interested in. Whilst a few would be polite enough to let you know they’d rather stop here or what they exactly seek, the majority wouldn’t. Yes, it is rude, better face that reality though.

No, he didn’t get hit by a truck. The chances he’s at the hospital, his old mother has just passed away or his cell phone has broken down just now are close to nought.

Yet remain the 12.5% who don’t call back for fear of rejection. About one out of 10, not the most common. So, please, don’t jump to the conclusion it is often the case.
Maybe you weren’t clear enough, didn’t show your interest enough and didn’t let the green light flash enough ? At any rate, he’s not quite sure of what you feel. He’s hesitating and will not call right away. He doesn’t want you to believe he’s into you (although he may be). Because while you’re already mentally planning the next dream date, he is there wondering what to do not to look hooked or too easy.

So what to do if he doesn’t call ?

Here is an excerpt from one of the men’s comment on my poll:
“if your date doesn’t call you back in two or more days, that means something went wrong (even if you thought that was an amazing one). So just an idea for all the ladies, it would be to set up a “deadline”. Let say “three days max”. If your date hasn’t called you back in that period of time, it means he’s not interested in you at all (whatever the reason he could/would/should think, feel or argue).”

It sounds honest and clear enough, doesn’t it ?

Don’t sit next to your telephone, biting your nails. Live your life and don’t invest too much of yourself too soon.
As suggested in the comment, set a dead line and stick to it. If he hasn’t called you within 2 or 3 days, better forget about him. Because, even though he may not want to look too enthusiastic for strategic reasons, if he really likes you, he won’t let a month go by before he calls you back. He is usually aware of how risky it can be, particularly if he got smitten.

If it can help you move on and only if you feel it is truly necessary to your well-being, try to call him, within a week or so, under any excuse.
Although to call a man who didn’t call you back is seldom a good idea and may not teach you anything you didn’t already know, you’ll have made things clear enough and will have removed all doubt he is not worth it and not the one for you for any of the above mentioned reasons.

Then, move on ! Plenty of fish in the sea and if this one was not attracted to you or not right for you, many others will be. :)

To all the men out there…

You can give up to 3 answers. ;)

Why to be stunningly hot or ugly can be your best bet

Yet another proof, in my opinion, the better you have come to terms with yourself and can shamelessly flaunt it, the better outcome you will get. Your flaws are actually your assets. They make you stand out. The most successful women are those who stand out. You love them or you hate them, they leave nobody indifferent though. They won’t be ignored, therefore will get the most valuable messages and contacts from really interested men than the “just cute” ones.

The article below demonstrates, from objective data, that :
– the more men as groups disagree about a women’s look, the more they end up liking her.
– guys tend to ignore girls who are merely cute.
– and, in fact, having some men think she’s ugly actually works in woman’s favor.

Curious to know why and to catch a glimpse of how the man’s brain works sometimes? Read below… ;)

What the public criticizes in you, cultivate. It is you.” (Jean Cocteau)

“http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-mathematics-of-beauty/”

Your thoughts ? :)

Americans date, French meet: one word, a thousand implications

Dating websites” in French is translated as “sites de rencontres”, literally “meeting websites”. We wouldn’t talk about “dates” here, but about “meetings”.
It may sound like a detail. Though it reveals much more than just a difference of language ; it shows a difference of mentality.

Different words, different implications, different influences on our approach of the other gender.

rendez-vous

French surf on “meeting websites”. When they make contacts, their primary idea is to exchange with interesting people, get to know them a little and see if they have enough in common to expect to spend a fun time together. If so, then meet up and take it from there. There are seldom unrealistic expectations on either side. No pressure.

The idea of finding the “right person” is not our #1 priority at all. We actually don’t even think of it. That dream of “instant chemistry” and “love at first sight” can entertain us in movies ; we don’t systematically hope, even less expect it to come true in real life. We don’t go to “dates” with the secret expectation of meeting our “soul mate”. We certainly expect no miracle to happen over a quick cup of coffee or even a dinner.
It may not sound romantic, but the French are realistic people. :)

I’ve found out it was somewhat different in the USA. I’ve found out women, as well as men actually, when they go on a date, often hold higher expectations than just “meeting someone nice and friendly”. This, in my opinion, not only puts an undue pressure on themselves, but also a heavy load on the date.
Such pressure shatters the self-confidence. It becomes difficult to act naturally. Difficult, under those circumstances, to look one’s best. Too many projections and questions going on… This often leads to the mistake of focusing more on themselves than on the other person. They lose focus of what the real deal should be : to meet another human being.
It is harder to be rejected by someone you expected a lot from than by just anybody. And this, should the person suit you or not. It leads you to question your power of attraction.
Therefore, many either daren’t even go for it.
Many others don’t fail to be disappointed when they meet somebody they’ve started to date on-line. Of course, nobody, ever, can be up to a fantasy! Therefore they would soon get discouraged and throw the towel off. :(
The higher the expectations, the bigger the disappointment.

The realistic French know that. So they take and make meeting via websites easier and lighter. We would go to the “date” we actually don’t call “date” in a relaxed state of mind. No big expectations and certainly not the one to meet our life partner.
As long as the other person is polite and educated enough, a good and fun conversationalist, we’re quite able to enjoy the meeting, even though the chemistry is not there.
We may never see each other again, set no other meeting, even less fall in love, but this is not a pre-requirement. Therefore we seldom feel we’ve wasted our time and get discouraged because we’ve not met our “soul mate” or “other half” or “the one”. We have enjoyed a nice evening and that’s fine. :)
Because we seek to meet another human being first.

I’ve met people on-line for decades and never, ever, experienced any disappointment. People were always who they said they were and very close to whom I expected to meet. I can perfectly meet people who don’t seem to meet my requirements as far as romantic relationships go, only because I find their personality interesting, fun, unusual, even sometimes fascinating. So what ? Life and relationships don’t boil down to finding Mr or Mrs Right, do they ? Life can be full of surprises and you may meet the right person when you expect it the least. Online profiles seldom gives you a 100% accurate idea of who the person really is, and certainly doesn’t tell ALL of him (her).

A quick poll among my friends shows I am not an exception. :)
They all clearly stated they’d never been to a “meet up” with anything else in mind than curiosity, openness and the desire to get to know somebody a priori interesting.
Sure, men often expect to get at least a one night stand, yet not all of them. Should things happen not to end this way, there is no hard feelings because, after all, no promise has been made and no definite expectation set. If some sort of positive connection takes place, chances are you can become friends or at least keep in touch. At any rate make the most of the meeting and turn it into something positive for both. And if it doesn’t work out for some reason, no drama.

Just a little switch in terminology can bring quite a different outcome. How does it sound ? :)